Why Self-compassion is Important

How to Practice Self-Compassion in Daily Life

By Beth Etter

I am so much harder on myself than I am on others. Why?

When other people do something wrong, it’s an understandable mistake, but when I do, it means I’m a failure as a person. When someone else takes time off, it’s a well-deserved rest, but when I take time off, it’s laziness. When someone else struggles with their mental health, I feel care and concern for them, but when I struggle with my mental health, I berate myself for not recovering quickly enough. 

Sound familiar? If it does, you are not alone. Like so many others, you deserve some increased self-compassion. 

What is self-compassion?

Simply put, self-compassion is treating yourself as if you are someone you care about. It is an understanding, warm, and supportive internal attitude that accepts imperfection. It is being kind rather than critical, meeting your own needs, and building yourself up rather than tearing yourself down.

Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff says that a key component of self-compassion is a sense of common humanity: the understanding that suffering, setbacks, and shortcomings are universal parts of the human condition. Despite what your brain may tell you, you are not the only person who struggles! Rather than setting you apart, experiencing flaws, failures, and frustrations actually connects you to the rest of humanity.

This blog is meant to help provide you with resources and coping strategies for working through hurdles that keep us from allowing ourselves the self-compassion we all deserve.

Why is self-compassion hard?

Unfortunately, practicing self-compassion is much easier said than done. But before you go beating yourself up for being bad at self-compassion, you should understand that it is not your fault. In fact, your brain is just trying to keep you safe.

Research in evolutionary psychology has revealed that humans have a negativity bias. Negativity bias means we pay more attention to threatening, anxiety-inducing things than positive, relaxing things. This is an adaptation meant to keep us safe. Our ancestors learned that avoiding danger was the most important component of survival, and so the human brain is hardwired to pay attention to threats.

Because of our negativity bias, the brain sees self-criticism as useful information. “Oh, a threat, flaw, or problem? We need to know about that!” This is why being self-critical can even feel productive and responsible. Unfortunately, the very mechanism meant to keep us safe can make our internal world harsh and judgmental.

How can we increase self-compassion?

Because of the natural tendency to focus on negativity, growing in self-compassion takes regular, patient practice. With time, you can learn new thought patterns that fight against the negativity bias. Little questions like the examples provided below can help shift away from the critical mindset and strengthen your self-compassion muscle:

• If a close friend of mine were going through this, what would I say to them?

This question is useful when that critical voice starts talking. Think of a specific person you love, be it a friend, partner, or family member, and imagine how you would respond to them in a similar situation. Chances are, it would sound quite different from what you are saying to yourself!

• What can I do to care for myself at this moment? 

What helps will depend on the person, place, and moment. It might be grabbing a snack, making coffee, lighting a candle, turning on a favorite song, taking a short walk, resting, calling a friend, or taking one deep breath. This list is just to spark ideas—what matters is pausing to ask yourself what you need. Even small, simple acts of kindness towards ourselves can go a long way!

What to remember about self-compassion

Remember that you are just as deserving of kindness as everyone else, and when you struggle to show yourself that kindness, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure; it means you’re human!

If you would like to chat with a therapist or counselor about expanding your self-compassion or working on bettering your mental health, reach out to our Morning Star care team today, and we’ll help you start your journey!